Crisis Moderation

I seem to always be in some kind of angsty crisis that involves me not having any idea of who I am.

So, I give up on that for awhile. I am me. I strive to be good. Period.

Problem with knowing myself is, I've not done anything worth knowing about and I'm trying to find something that's not there.

It's time to know other people. Sometimes I think about life and see it as infinity because time seems so trivial in all of my history books. In reality I have perhaps eighty years here. I'll be damned if I spend it all like this.

Spring

Spring its the best time of the year. If asked, I often claim that fall is my favorite season. The smell of leaves and bite of chill in the air reminding me of Halloween and years of marching band fun.

I lie, apparently. By the end of winter there's a seventy percent chance that I am ridiculously depressed. Due to bad weather and the inability to get out in the sun. No flowers. No lake. No creek. No laying outside and reading. It really gets to me.

Spring is now, and though winter will come again and again, each spring is enough to get me through til the next. I will pick buttercups and eat lunch with Tyler outside, and everything will be okay. Regardless of life's problems.

What is school and money to God? Because that's what the Earth is. A symbol that God is with us, and he is beautiful. So, sneeze and rejoice, good people. Spring is here.

Time For a Grand Spiel

In order to learn more abstract concepts you must approach a thing with an open mind, yet the more open minded people I meet, the more I think the "open minded" are just morally corrupt who need an excuse to hide behind. This "open minded-ness" just a cover for experimentation and vices. So, what I am saying is this, I spare no fondness for this new wave of open-minded people. I think the old ilk of open minded philosophers perhaps need a new term for their mindset.

So, maybe being open minded isn't such a good thing. Perhaps the thing that I admire and try to practice is acceptance. (Acceptance of other people's ability to choose their own religions and beliefs, not acceptance of the increasing depravity of the world, or the medias insistence on desensitizing everyone to the atrocities of the world. Different spiel, different day.)


What I'm trying to tip-toe around I suppose is this, "I've spent the past two years trying to be insanely open minded and I think it may have been a mistake." I think I may have allowed myself to fall into a level of immorality that is just unacceptable. It's not to an extreme degree, but I find lately that I do not like myself. I wish I was a better person. But wishes mean nothing, and all I can do is recognize a mistake I've made and try not to let it dig me deeper into a pit of gibbering-fall-for-everything excrement.

God, throw me a ladder? Ah, but I already have a ladder, it was the God given ability to recognize when you are doing something wrong, and however late, try to fix it.

Internet Access: Granted

The past couple of weeks (months really) I have been the victim of computer suckage. Which led to the terrible and gruesome deprivation of interwebbing.
But, lo, my saviour! Is that Kel? Aslan?! Harimad Sol?! NO! It's a new laptop. ;)

Seriously though, I've finally got a decent computer to work with, (I had to buy one for my college venture.) I can now...Err...What did I used to do on here?
Unfortunately, I only have dial up at home and have to travel about places with wireless in order to use it.

(Hullo from fifth period Mythology!)

I'm lost

Merry Christmas Eve.

I've hit a bump. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I stand for. I. Don't. Know. This not knowing is killing me inside.

The sad bleak truth is, I'm lost. I'm afraid.

What do I know? I'm eighteen. I love my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. There IS a God. There IS a Jesus....And, yes, I believe that the world is fundamentally good.

Yet, if I know and believe all of these things...Why am I so lost and afraid? Why do I cry so much? Why do the bad things in the world seem to outweigh the good until I feel like I'm being crushed? I'm not strong enough. I trudge forth now. Trying to be strong in beliefs I'm unsure of. I hate admitting to not knowing things. This is the worst of them all. I do not know who I am, or what I stand for.

My entire life I've looked up to my Mother. She's an idealistic Baptist. She has beliefs and she stands up for them. No matter how obnoxious, awkward, and forward the standing is. She does it.

I've admired the same thing in heroine after hero after underdog. I want to stand up for something. I want to do the noble and true thing and stand up for what I believe in. But, God help me, I don't know what I believe.

Conversations with Me

Starr: "Oh, how the world does turn. Yes, even though I'm usually throwing emotional tantrums and puking angsty-ness all over here, our orbit of the sun continues."

Starr the Narcissist: "Oh my, there's a world outside of me?! But that's crazy, man."

Starr: : "Why, yes, there really truly is."

Starr the Narcissist: "Errr, but I'm a STARR!"

Starr: *POW! slap to the ego* "Shuddup!"

Desiderata

Warning: Late night and really tired. Please wear your late night filter.

I really love this piece of writing, and have a pretty caligriphic version of it on my wall. Reading it relaxes me and gives me hope. It's really quite odd, but as you read it, do so smooothly. It's like shaping your brain....

It is believed to be written by Max Ehrmann. (Believed because there was some comfusion about it. See wiki if you really wanna.)

Desiderata is latin for "Desired things".

Now, read on, my friends.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Ideals

"I guess the question is, just because people stop believing in honor and kindness and truth, does that necessarily mean that they no longer exist, or that they are no longer true? Are these things only kept alive through human action, or is there perhaps a greater source of these ideals that we just tap into with our belief?"

-WonderDuck

That is THE question to me. Why? Because whenever life falls through, when my dreams crumble like hollow earth, and nothing goes right...Honor, trust, kindness, love, truth....That is what I live for. I live because I know that there ARE noble things. My heart has ideals. They keep me going. They are pure and untainted by me, they are higher than anything I could dream up.

So, yes, I must be believing in a greater source who is helping me along. Because believe I do. Thank you.

Hollow

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

-From T.S. Eliot's "The Hollow Men"

I hate to watch this blog spiral hopelessly into an angsty abyss of teenage ramblings, but there it is. So it goes, yes?

I feel so empty and hollow most of the time. I'm sure it's just an accumulation of stress and bad happenings. Yet, I can't seem to get out of this hole I'm in. A giant crappy hole of CRAP. Yes, I did just type that.*

On the bright side, this is my senior year. I have my college picked out, TTU here I come! I'll get to live in a dorm away from home next year, and though I love my family, I desperately need some space. My boyfriend goes there, so I can see him more than two days a week. (Thank God.)

So, hopefully I'll be on here in the next week saying, "SCREW ELIOT!" (No offense, T.S.)

So, I leave you with some Sandburg.

"Bubbles"

Two bubbles found they had rainbows on their curves.
They flickered out saying:
"It was worth being a bubble just to have held that rainbow thirty seconds."

Is this brief life we have worth living? Just for our thirty seconds of rainbow and joy?



*My brain has become increasingly lethargic. Obviously, if it was working correctly then the phrase, "Crappy hole of CRAP" would not be in existence.

Unreality

So, senior year is here, yes? The overwhelming weight of decisions is crashing down on me, which college? What career? With what money?? My brother is all for joining the Air Force. My mom's starting to get pre-empty nest syndrome...So all goes, in the land of Me and Melancholy.

Just pessmistic in the extreme right now. It also feels like the REAL world is pressing down on my conscience. By REAL I mean, the reality of everything that is out there. That there are more bad people than good. That there is more sinning than any good deeds. All of this is being pounded into my head by my mother, my head feels much like a mortar and The Mother has the pestle.

If there is so many bad things what is there to live for? To strive for? Will all of my endeavors to make life better for someone not be shot down?

I hope not. Thankfully, I have a firm belief in the unrealistic. Because Unreality is where you will find all of life's happy endings. I know too, that people who walk between the worlds of Reality and Unreality, find the barrier thin. Some people can even pull things through it. I can only hope to join their ranks.

Bring Back The Code

Why have all the people gone and left behind monsters in their stead? Because surely man would not lead a life of this sort? This sad and depraved existence where trust is idiocy and loyalty a pipe dream.

Where are the brotherhoods? The convents and cults? Even these things were held together by tradition. Now all that's left is new. New. Is that so good? This new thing that blows all tradition to the wind, leaving humanity without anything to ground themselves. When do we know where to begin? When?!

Bring back codes of chivalry and oaths of honor, because these things are noble. What the world needs...What *I* neeed is just a little hope that there are higher values and noble ideals left. Just a little hope.

Emo Folk Band

Ahhh, yet another week in the epic quest that is my life. New epic quest theme music of the week? The Mountain Goats.

Lyric excerpt from No Children:

I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die


See? Emo Folk.

So it goes.

So, about all that philosophy club stuff I've been working on.(Which I don't think I ever mentioned. Think lots of reading caused sleep deprivation.) Yeah, pretty much worth *toilet flushing sound here* So it goes.

The problem is, it's high school. There aren't many kids with a large grasp of philosophical concepts, me included. The ones that do are usually introverts lurking in the corners. Bunch of freaking late bloomers! Why weren't you at Philosophy Club?!!

Problem number two is, how do you approach it? Do you go in there full-on teachy mode and lecture about it? Ugh. Discuss it in true Socratic method? Yay! but see problem one.

Then there's the problem of 'What to discuss?'. We have a couple of people jumping at, 'What's the meaning of life?' Which truly...Is there a *worse* topic? Then you have the bozos asking stoner questions, "If the door is closed on a room, and no one is in the room...Is the room still there?!"*

It's going to work. I just didn't realize there were quite so many details.

*Thanks to Mr.F for that one.

Random Fanfic Excerpt

I love all the Harry Potter fanfiction out there that desprately tries to save Snape. Or, if it was published right after The Half Blood Prince, try to view him in a better light. Anyhow, I read this in a fic earlier and it cracked me up. So, I share.

"Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape had been hastily pardoned following a rather noisy meeting between Remus Lupin, Poppy Pomfrey and a furious Rufus Scrimgeour. Apparently, on the night that Draco let a bunch of crazy Death Eaters into Hogwarts, Dumbledore was half-dead from a Horcrux related curse and definitely on his way out after Harry had force fed him a nasty dose of poison. Unfortunately, the green sparks Snape managed to shoot in Dumbledore’s direction while shouting, ‘Abracadabra!’ caused the wildly hallucinating old man to overbalance and fall off the Astronomy Tower."


HAHAHAHA! Don't know why, but that is freaking hilarious in my head.

Pulls It Together

Okay, due to school, band, newspaper, and being generally overwhelmed with school...I haven't paid attention to anything going on. Haven't read anything. My life is empty!!!

But hey, I'm back on it and have a stack of books to read. I shall begin to return...to err...here? Yeah.

Senior Year: Day 1

Yes, indeed, today was the first day of my SENIOR year. Yes, you read those all caps right. I would elaborate on it with great and witty detail, but honestly...I was so sleepy through most of it I can't remember.

Yeah. Go to sleep at 4 and get up at 12 all summer and you're not going to cope well once school starts back up.

So, brief and uneventful synopsis of my day.

Got up this morning at 5:20 in hopes of getting to school early. This because I want a decent parking spot. Nigh impossible if you get there after 7:45. I got there at 7:40. I could have been there early only I had an attack of " I know I'm forgetting something!"
Which tends to make me ridiculously late.

Spent an hour and a half in the cafeteria doing nothing because I don't have a first period. Yeah.

(Explanation: I have a small high school with a large amount of people at it. This causes there not to be a enough room/classes. Therefore if you have all the classes you need then they aren't going to push you to take more. And since nothing conveniently fits into my schedule I gots nothing.)

My second period was spent in the gym with about four other classes because I was supposed to be in our portable trailers.

(Explanation: Due to our extreme overcrowding we had to get a 'temporary' fix of some trailers. They got trailers. Installed them. Made elaborate walkways. Temporary my foot. To avoid potential humiliation from neighboring high schools we do not refer to them as 'trailers'. Please. Islands or cottages will be acceptable.)

My third period was English and spent making a descriptive book about myself out of two sheets of computer paper. Yes, I am in fact an artistic genius. I have the stick figures to prove it. Unfortunately, the epic English Teacher was not there today. I can only guess that he had a doctor's appointment. He recently has had cancer and I'm not for sure if he's done with it.

Fourth Period. Newspaper. Spent listening to Ferrellonius wax about the awesomeenss of our new site which should cut down our tree killing from 7 issues a year to 3.

Fifth period would be Mythology. Spent listening to Ferrellonius outline what he planned on doing his first year teaching the class.

Sixth Period. Band. Did nothing due to first dayness and had to sit in the band room while the screams of 140 other students wafted gently about my head. Ah, home sweet band.

So, there you go, my first day of senior year semi-permanently written down.

Set Ye Cursed Sun!

Indeed. I am ready for the sun to fully set on the Twilight books. No I haven't read them, but I keep seeing messages from it's little fan-clubs (which seem to be shrill little emo girls.) that go like this, " Harry Potter sucks, Twilight is better."

Oh. Oh no, you didn't!

That's right, my friends, those you-know-whats insulted MY books and then think they can get away with it!

*seethes*

But really. Come on, does insulting some other series get your point across annoying fan-girls of lame-ness? I shall go forth (maybe) and read these books if I get the free time. Just so I can give people the thumbs up or down when they ask about it. I judge not the series yet. Just the fans of the series. xD Sorry, innocent bystanders.

School Begins. My Life Goes.

I learn by going where to go.

School starts this coming Monday. I'm happy that it's starting because then I don't have to find things to do with myself. There are only so many times you need to reread Tamora Pierce. I learned how to knit though! (There are only so many times you can make a scarf...) Anyhow, I just thought it would be a heads up. Between band camp and about to start school etc. I haven't been able to read as much. Which makes me sad.

On the bright side: Mythology! Senior English! Newspaper! Band...(!)?

Married To My Books

Since band camp has started I've now been able to see a good deal of my friends. This means I have new opportunities to foist books off in their directions. All in the hopes of them reading, enjoying, and being enlightened by them. Mostly to just share the complete awe inspiring thing that is literature.

Now I have a problem. You see...I get emotionally attached to my books. I lend books to friends who I trust, but no others. Still, there's no way I'd let someone walk off with Beauty or Lady Knight. (Yeah, my stronger attachments are to fantasy books. Surprise!)

I REALLY want one of my friends to read As Simple As Snow, but am unwilling to part with it. Ridiculous? Yes. Known cure? No. Still, give me a week or two and I'll bite the bullet and just let him borrow it. I mean, what price is too great to share such things? *coughs* My books. *coughs*

Sorry. Cold. *Shifty look*

Randy Pausch, 47

Randy Pausch, author of The Last Lecture, died Friday. This makes me sad. I really hoped that he would get through it, especially after reading his book. It's worth the read. Amazingly uplifting to be written about dieing.