Blue-y Dave!

(Okay, I will probably regret posting this in the morning, but right now I want to share.) I recently paid three dollars for a frog at Target's that I call "BLUE-Y DAVE!!". (Please slightly widen your eyes and do jazz hands. You will look rather like a cliche'd car lot salesman.)

He always looks shocked and surprised and is...jiggly? He's made out of rubber-y stuff. So you can squish him around and he make more faces...And they ALL make me laugh. You are welcome, world. :)

Bereft

Though I'm sure we've all had our fair share of Robert Frost (As we should. He's quite good, yes?) I really liked this poem, and since my, erm, poetry blog is dusty ragged and ill-maintained...


Bereft
by Robert Frost

Where had I heard this wind before
Change like this to a deeper roar?
What would it take my standing there for,
Holding open a restive door,
Looking downhill to a frothy shore?
Summer was past and day was past.
Somber clouds in the west were massed.
Out in the porch's sagging floor
Leaves got up in a coil and hissed,
Blindly struck at my knee and missed.
Something sinister in the tone
Told me my secret must be known:
Word I was in the house alone
Somehow must have gotten abroad,
Word I was in my life alone,
Word I had no one left but God.

He is my Penguin

It is late, I have drank an entire liter of orange soda, and for some reason am thinking in a pompous British voice inside my head. So forgive me if I sound pretentious. (Would someone explain to me how orange soda and sleep deprivation are linked to odd thinking voices? Though...I did do some half hearted crunches today. The exercise must have gotten to me.)

It has, in a blast of carbonated citrus-y goodness, occurred to me that I have never extolled the virtues and wonders of the other half of my soul. This is mostly due to the aversion I have of bringing boy troubles onto the purity that is "THE BLOG". So out of habit, and respect towards those who just don't care he's not had sonnets written to him as of yet. (And is not likely to, I prefer double dactyls for such things. Baha.)

His name is Tyler. And I love him.

Love is an odd thing, and when you finally get the real thing...It's not what you expect. The best I can say is... It's like my soul has been permeated through with his. Everything I do somehow links back to him. Because of him I am a better person. Things I'd be willing to do a year ago (shifty things that are better off not acted on) I now refrain from because I don't want to do anything that would affect him adversely.

He is my penguin.

Soulless Creature Most Miserable

Over the past half-year or so I've managed to let my brain go to complete flab. I've written absolutely nothing and now seem to have lost the ability to compose things as simple as well rounded journal entries. And to the me of half a year ago this would have been die worthy, but I've just...let go? The past couple of months. I'm not for sure what's going on.

It's been a bout of creative wasteland and unoriginality that has swept my world. Oh terrible terrible wasteland, let loose my chains! *Dramatic chain shake*

But, writing and creativity aside, it's even been a bit of a drought on reading. Which is a mortal wound to my soul! Yes. You are correct, sirs (And madams if it pleases you.) You are reading the blog of a soulless creature most miserable.

Of course, I have but myself to blame. (And this odd bout of complete brain-flabness.) I'll just hop back into the sieve, shall I?

Muddled Times

These are the middle times were thoughts are muddled, hmm? I sit through summer filled with maudlin and fuzzy thoughts of now and clear thoughts of the future. How is that, and shouldn't it be the other way around?

It's very disconcerting when you know who you want to be, but you don't know how you are going to get there. You have a destination, but the paths to get there aren't just a maze. It's a terrible labyrinth that doesn't include David Bowies's crotch.

Honestly though, there are so many paths to get to where you want to be, but make the slightest misstep and you're a different person. Not necessarily a bad person, but instead of driving a Honda you have a Dodge, or you buy a Dacshund instead of a Japanese Chin. (Or a MASTIFF! Whoo!)It just amazes me how all these tiny little deviations can eventually lead up to who you are. Amazing.

Side Track

I am currently (supposed to be) working on an English paper. Which must pertain to one of the following. "What Good Do I Have For The World?" or "Why Should Anyone Listen To Me". First paper we've written in that class all year, which needless to say is disappointing considering we've not really been taught anything either. At the very least he could have offered me the oppurtinity to increase my writing prowess.

This, is my last full week of senior year. So, it's that odd mixture of "I'm going to miss some of these people", "THANK ALL THAT'S HOLY THIS IS OVER!!", and "Ooooh crap, I have no idea how to deal with life sans parents."

Okay, now that I've checked off random blog post on my "Things to distract you from papers" list, I'm on to play scrabble on the MUSH.

Crisis Moderation

I seem to always be in some kind of angsty crisis that involves me not having any idea of who I am.

So, I give up on that for awhile. I am me. I strive to be good. Period.

Problem with knowing myself is, I've not done anything worth knowing about and I'm trying to find something that's not there.

It's time to know other people. Sometimes I think about life and see it as infinity because time seems so trivial in all of my history books. In reality I have perhaps eighty years here. I'll be damned if I spend it all like this.

Spring

Spring its the best time of the year. If asked, I often claim that fall is my favorite season. The smell of leaves and bite of chill in the air reminding me of Halloween and years of marching band fun.

I lie, apparently. By the end of winter there's a seventy percent chance that I am ridiculously depressed. Due to bad weather and the inability to get out in the sun. No flowers. No lake. No creek. No laying outside and reading. It really gets to me.

Spring is now, and though winter will come again and again, each spring is enough to get me through til the next. I will pick buttercups and eat lunch with Tyler outside, and everything will be okay. Regardless of life's problems.

What is school and money to God? Because that's what the Earth is. A symbol that God is with us, and he is beautiful. So, sneeze and rejoice, good people. Spring is here.

Time For a Grand Spiel

In order to learn more abstract concepts you must approach a thing with an open mind, yet the more open minded people I meet, the more I think the "open minded" are just morally corrupt who need an excuse to hide behind. This "open minded-ness" just a cover for experimentation and vices. So, what I am saying is this, I spare no fondness for this new wave of open-minded people. I think the old ilk of open minded philosophers perhaps need a new term for their mindset.

So, maybe being open minded isn't such a good thing. Perhaps the thing that I admire and try to practice is acceptance. (Acceptance of other people's ability to choose their own religions and beliefs, not acceptance of the increasing depravity of the world, or the medias insistence on desensitizing everyone to the atrocities of the world. Different spiel, different day.)


What I'm trying to tip-toe around I suppose is this, "I've spent the past two years trying to be insanely open minded and I think it may have been a mistake." I think I may have allowed myself to fall into a level of immorality that is just unacceptable. It's not to an extreme degree, but I find lately that I do not like myself. I wish I was a better person. But wishes mean nothing, and all I can do is recognize a mistake I've made and try not to let it dig me deeper into a pit of gibbering-fall-for-everything excrement.

God, throw me a ladder? Ah, but I already have a ladder, it was the God given ability to recognize when you are doing something wrong, and however late, try to fix it.

Internet Access: Granted

The past couple of weeks (months really) I have been the victim of computer suckage. Which led to the terrible and gruesome deprivation of interwebbing.
But, lo, my saviour! Is that Kel? Aslan?! Harimad Sol?! NO! It's a new laptop. ;)

Seriously though, I've finally got a decent computer to work with, (I had to buy one for my college venture.) I can now...Err...What did I used to do on here?
Unfortunately, I only have dial up at home and have to travel about places with wireless in order to use it.

(Hullo from fifth period Mythology!)

I'm lost

Merry Christmas Eve.

I've hit a bump. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I stand for. I. Don't. Know. This not knowing is killing me inside.

The sad bleak truth is, I'm lost. I'm afraid.

What do I know? I'm eighteen. I love my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. There IS a God. There IS a Jesus....And, yes, I believe that the world is fundamentally good.

Yet, if I know and believe all of these things...Why am I so lost and afraid? Why do I cry so much? Why do the bad things in the world seem to outweigh the good until I feel like I'm being crushed? I'm not strong enough. I trudge forth now. Trying to be strong in beliefs I'm unsure of. I hate admitting to not knowing things. This is the worst of them all. I do not know who I am, or what I stand for.

My entire life I've looked up to my Mother. She's an idealistic Baptist. She has beliefs and she stands up for them. No matter how obnoxious, awkward, and forward the standing is. She does it.

I've admired the same thing in heroine after hero after underdog. I want to stand up for something. I want to do the noble and true thing and stand up for what I believe in. But, God help me, I don't know what I believe.

Conversations with Me

Starr: "Oh, how the world does turn. Yes, even though I'm usually throwing emotional tantrums and puking angsty-ness all over here, our orbit of the sun continues."

Starr the Narcissist: "Oh my, there's a world outside of me?! But that's crazy, man."

Starr: : "Why, yes, there really truly is."

Starr the Narcissist: "Errr, but I'm a STARR!"

Starr: *POW! slap to the ego* "Shuddup!"

Desiderata

Warning: Late night and really tired. Please wear your late night filter.

I really love this piece of writing, and have a pretty caligriphic version of it on my wall. Reading it relaxes me and gives me hope. It's really quite odd, but as you read it, do so smooothly. It's like shaping your brain....

It is believed to be written by Max Ehrmann. (Believed because there was some comfusion about it. See wiki if you really wanna.)

Desiderata is latin for "Desired things".

Now, read on, my friends.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Ideals

"I guess the question is, just because people stop believing in honor and kindness and truth, does that necessarily mean that they no longer exist, or that they are no longer true? Are these things only kept alive through human action, or is there perhaps a greater source of these ideals that we just tap into with our belief?"

-WonderDuck

That is THE question to me. Why? Because whenever life falls through, when my dreams crumble like hollow earth, and nothing goes right...Honor, trust, kindness, love, truth....That is what I live for. I live because I know that there ARE noble things. My heart has ideals. They keep me going. They are pure and untainted by me, they are higher than anything I could dream up.

So, yes, I must be believing in a greater source who is helping me along. Because believe I do. Thank you.

Hollow

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

-From T.S. Eliot's "The Hollow Men"

I hate to watch this blog spiral hopelessly into an angsty abyss of teenage ramblings, but there it is. So it goes, yes?

I feel so empty and hollow most of the time. I'm sure it's just an accumulation of stress and bad happenings. Yet, I can't seem to get out of this hole I'm in. A giant crappy hole of CRAP. Yes, I did just type that.*

On the bright side, this is my senior year. I have my college picked out, TTU here I come! I'll get to live in a dorm away from home next year, and though I love my family, I desperately need some space. My boyfriend goes there, so I can see him more than two days a week. (Thank God.)

So, hopefully I'll be on here in the next week saying, "SCREW ELIOT!" (No offense, T.S.)

So, I leave you with some Sandburg.

"Bubbles"

Two bubbles found they had rainbows on their curves.
They flickered out saying:
"It was worth being a bubble just to have held that rainbow thirty seconds."

Is this brief life we have worth living? Just for our thirty seconds of rainbow and joy?



*My brain has become increasingly lethargic. Obviously, if it was working correctly then the phrase, "Crappy hole of CRAP" would not be in existence.

Unreality

So, senior year is here, yes? The overwhelming weight of decisions is crashing down on me, which college? What career? With what money?? My brother is all for joining the Air Force. My mom's starting to get pre-empty nest syndrome...So all goes, in the land of Me and Melancholy.

Just pessmistic in the extreme right now. It also feels like the REAL world is pressing down on my conscience. By REAL I mean, the reality of everything that is out there. That there are more bad people than good. That there is more sinning than any good deeds. All of this is being pounded into my head by my mother, my head feels much like a mortar and The Mother has the pestle.

If there is so many bad things what is there to live for? To strive for? Will all of my endeavors to make life better for someone not be shot down?

I hope not. Thankfully, I have a firm belief in the unrealistic. Because Unreality is where you will find all of life's happy endings. I know too, that people who walk between the worlds of Reality and Unreality, find the barrier thin. Some people can even pull things through it. I can only hope to join their ranks.

Bring Back The Code

Why have all the people gone and left behind monsters in their stead? Because surely man would not lead a life of this sort? This sad and depraved existence where trust is idiocy and loyalty a pipe dream.

Where are the brotherhoods? The convents and cults? Even these things were held together by tradition. Now all that's left is new. New. Is that so good? This new thing that blows all tradition to the wind, leaving humanity without anything to ground themselves. When do we know where to begin? When?!

Bring back codes of chivalry and oaths of honor, because these things are noble. What the world needs...What *I* neeed is just a little hope that there are higher values and noble ideals left. Just a little hope.

Emo Folk Band

Ahhh, yet another week in the epic quest that is my life. New epic quest theme music of the week? The Mountain Goats.

Lyric excerpt from No Children:

I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die


See? Emo Folk.

So it goes.

So, about all that philosophy club stuff I've been working on.(Which I don't think I ever mentioned. Think lots of reading caused sleep deprivation.) Yeah, pretty much worth *toilet flushing sound here* So it goes.

The problem is, it's high school. There aren't many kids with a large grasp of philosophical concepts, me included. The ones that do are usually introverts lurking in the corners. Bunch of freaking late bloomers! Why weren't you at Philosophy Club?!!

Problem number two is, how do you approach it? Do you go in there full-on teachy mode and lecture about it? Ugh. Discuss it in true Socratic method? Yay! but see problem one.

Then there's the problem of 'What to discuss?'. We have a couple of people jumping at, 'What's the meaning of life?' Which truly...Is there a *worse* topic? Then you have the bozos asking stoner questions, "If the door is closed on a room, and no one is in the room...Is the room still there?!"*

It's going to work. I just didn't realize there were quite so many details.

*Thanks to Mr.F for that one.

Random Fanfic Excerpt

I love all the Harry Potter fanfiction out there that desprately tries to save Snape. Or, if it was published right after The Half Blood Prince, try to view him in a better light. Anyhow, I read this in a fic earlier and it cracked me up. So, I share.

"Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape had been hastily pardoned following a rather noisy meeting between Remus Lupin, Poppy Pomfrey and a furious Rufus Scrimgeour. Apparently, on the night that Draco let a bunch of crazy Death Eaters into Hogwarts, Dumbledore was half-dead from a Horcrux related curse and definitely on his way out after Harry had force fed him a nasty dose of poison. Unfortunately, the green sparks Snape managed to shoot in Dumbledore’s direction while shouting, ‘Abracadabra!’ caused the wildly hallucinating old man to overbalance and fall off the Astronomy Tower."


HAHAHAHA! Don't know why, but that is freaking hilarious in my head.