Oh look! An Ancient short story!

Ya! I know! I wrote this about the same time that I was reading Wuthering Heights in....errr...seventh grade maybe? But I continue. This is a really crappy short story probably written during algebra class.

--Geez! Just because it's crappy doesn't mean you shouldn't read it. Continue on!--


“Mr. Newman, could you please tell the rest of the class why you are NOT PAYING ATTENTION?!” Ms. Fifestein glared and wiped the spittle of her mouth.

Brayden could not in fact tell her what was so interesting. He was doing what all extremely bored and moderately intelligent beings do. Zoning out to the point of incoherence. He could of course tell her that he was thinking, but that would be a complete lie. Not that she would know that. “ I was thinking Mrs.Fifestein.” he lied.

“And why were you thinking Mr. Newman?” She glared a bit more and neglected to wipe the spittle from her face this time.

Ah Well, I should have saw that one coming, thought Brayden. Now he was in a bind. Why was he thinking? Nothing in this environment could have inspired such an activity. The endless repetition of bland facts, the monotonous voice of the harpy up front, the ancient and yellowed posters on the wall. Nope, there was absolutely no reason why he should have been thinking. He glanced the black board and saw only the faint outline of a rather unflattering caricature with an even more degrading caption. No help there. He was on his own to get through this one.

“ I was thinking about the Pythagorean theorem Mrs.Fifestein. “ He gave himself a mental pat on the back. Nice answer, Pythagoras was a smart guy. He probably wouldn’t have told the geography teacher that he was thinking about Geometry during her class. He took back the mental pat.

“ Mr. Newman take your stuff and remove it to the hallway for the rest of the period so maybe tomorrow you’ll remember to keep your mind on this class!” Her glare was fairly murderous by now and a small puddle of spit had formed on one of the front desks.

Well, that went over rather well, he thought with some asperity. He grabbed his books and shoved them all haphazardly into his ragged book bag. He saw a title one of the books out of the corner of his eye Wuthering Heights. He had been conned into reading it by his girlfriend ( A friend that was a girl, not his significant other.) and had to admit that he had enjoyed it. Then the idea struck him. Would Heathcliff have taken this? No, he would have given his teacher the what for. Then, right in the middle of class, he lost it.

He saw red. If you’ve ever saw red you know the feeling of complete helplessness that overcomes you as you sit back and watch the not so rational part of your brain take over. You, the rational part, are sitting in the back of your head thinking “ Oh dear.” While the slightly evil and more than slightly entertaining part of yourself takes the most rash course of action. Be it slugging the quarterback for cutting in line, keying the car that took your parking spot, or, in our heroes case, forgetting for a moment that your not HeathCliff and giving your ancient crab like teacher a piece of your mind.

“ I’m leaving Mrs.Fifestein, but first I want you to know something. This class is the biggest waste of time I have ever had to endure. I sit here day after day learning facts about landscapes that I will never see. Will I ever need to know the average percent of rainfall in Bulgaria? I think not, Mrs.Fifestein. I will not stand another minute of this vile and grotesque torture. You, wrinkled prune that you are, can do nothing to stop me. ” He looked about the room with finality and turned his face toward a nonexistent moor. “ And I’m taking Catherine with me!”
Brayden swept out of the class room and marched down the hall. The rational part of his mind had conveniently died from mortification so he was now free to do as he chose. As he walked the thirty four miles to his house the rational part came to just enough to wish he had chosen to remember he didn’t have a car.

What you just read was supposed to be humorous. If you didn’t find it funny then I suggest you go back, read it again, and think funny thoughts while you do so.