Merry Christmas Eve.
I've hit a bump. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I stand for. I. Don't. Know. This not knowing is killing me inside.
The sad bleak truth is, I'm lost. I'm afraid.
What do I know? I'm eighteen. I love my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. There IS a God. There IS a Jesus....And, yes, I believe that the world is fundamentally good.
Yet, if I know and believe all of these things...Why am I so lost and afraid? Why do I cry so much? Why do the bad things in the world seem to outweigh the good until I feel like I'm being crushed? I'm not strong enough. I trudge forth now. Trying to be strong in beliefs I'm unsure of. I hate admitting to not knowing things. This is the worst of them all. I do not know who I am, or what I stand for.
My entire life I've looked up to my Mother. She's an idealistic Baptist. She has beliefs and she stands up for them. No matter how obnoxious, awkward, and forward the standing is. She does it.
I've admired the same thing in heroine after hero after underdog. I want to stand up for something. I want to do the noble and true thing and stand up for what I believe in. But, God help me, I don't know what I believe.
About Me
- Aurora
- Well, I'm a reclusive dork. Which pretty much sums it all up doesn't it?
Current Book
Wieland by Charles Brockden Brown
Tea of the Moment
Jasmine Oolong
Currently Engrossed In
Purple Eyeliner--It's fascinating.
People Who Linked Here Mistakenly
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1 comments:
Reading this reminded me of two things. One is a quote from a Wendell Berry poem I love, that reads, "We are what we have done, which includes our promises, includes our hopes, but promises first." You know, better than most, about my own struggles with identity, and reading this was kind of a revelation. We are what we have done. I guess, more importantly, we are what we choose to do. It is our choices that define us. What we choose to do, what we choose to believe and adhere to... that's the reflection of who we are. And isn't it a comfort, in a way? Because our choice is, well, our choice. We can't control the world, we can rarely control our circumstances, but we always have control over our choices.
The second thing I thought of is something you said to me fairly recently, when I was also struggling. "You are paving a road to 'PERSON'. A person who has an identity all their own. If the personality I perceive of you indicates anything, you will accomplish great things. Adventures, love, struggles, the whole nine yards. I think all people who go on adventures must go through a trial by fire, if you will. But in the end, you'll be the prettiest horse shoe out there." Well, I'm throwing that right back at you. Because I think it applies.
Doubt is rough. It's more than rough, it's heartbreaking. But the questions you're asking are rather a sign of hope. Because you're asking questions at all. You're not just swallowing the things you say you believe, you're really looking at them, and poking at them, and questioning them. And that's the sign of a growing faith. As heartbreaking as it is, faith is almost (for lack of a better word) dependent on doubt. It's the only way human faith can grow. It shows that your belief isn't static, it isn't dead, it isn't dogmatic. It's a living thing. Your struggle testifies to it.
I have every faith that you'll find your way (or that God will give you a nice ol' kick in the pants). But I know it's hard, and it's unsettling, and, really? It just sucks. So if you ever need an ear, I'm always around. I spilled my guts to you, and I want you to know you are completely welcome to return the favor.
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