Merry Christmas Eve.
I've hit a bump. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I stand for. I. Don't. Know. This not knowing is killing me inside.
The sad bleak truth is, I'm lost. I'm afraid.
What do I know? I'm eighteen. I love my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. There IS a God. There IS a Jesus....And, yes, I believe that the world is fundamentally good.
Yet, if I know and believe all of these things...Why am I so lost and afraid? Why do I cry so much? Why do the bad things in the world seem to outweigh the good until I feel like I'm being crushed? I'm not strong enough. I trudge forth now. Trying to be strong in beliefs I'm unsure of. I hate admitting to not knowing things. This is the worst of them all. I do not know who I am, or what I stand for.
My entire life I've looked up to my Mother. She's an idealistic Baptist. She has beliefs and she stands up for them. No matter how obnoxious, awkward, and forward the standing is. She does it.
I've admired the same thing in heroine after hero after underdog. I want to stand up for something. I want to do the noble and true thing and stand up for what I believe in. But, God help me, I don't know what I believe.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Conversations with Me
Starr: "Oh, how the world does turn. Yes, even though I'm usually throwing emotional tantrums and puking angsty-ness all over here, our orbit of the sun continues."
Starr the Narcissist: "Oh my, there's a world outside of me?! But that's crazy, man."
Starr: : "Why, yes, there really truly is."
Starr the Narcissist: "Errr, but I'm a STARR!"
Starr: *POW! slap to the ego* "Shuddup!"
Starr the Narcissist: "Oh my, there's a world outside of me?! But that's crazy, man."
Starr: : "Why, yes, there really truly is."
Starr the Narcissist: "Errr, but I'm a STARR!"
Starr: *POW! slap to the ego* "Shuddup!"
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Desiderata
Warning: Late night and really tired. Please wear your late night filter.
I really love this piece of writing, and have a pretty caligriphic version of it on my wall. Reading it relaxes me and gives me hope. It's really quite odd, but as you read it, do so smooothly. It's like shaping your brain....
It is believed to be written by Max Ehrmann. (Believed because there was some comfusion about it. See wiki if you really wanna.)
Desiderata is latin for "Desired things".
Now, read on, my friends.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
I really love this piece of writing, and have a pretty caligriphic version of it on my wall. Reading it relaxes me and gives me hope. It's really quite odd, but as you read it, do so smooothly. It's like shaping your brain....
It is believed to be written by Max Ehrmann. (Believed because there was some comfusion about it. See wiki if you really wanna.)
Desiderata is latin for "Desired things".
Now, read on, my friends.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Ideals
"I guess the question is, just because people stop believing in honor and kindness and truth, does that necessarily mean that they no longer exist, or that they are no longer true? Are these things only kept alive through human action, or is there perhaps a greater source of these ideals that we just tap into with our belief?"
-WonderDuck
That is THE question to me. Why? Because whenever life falls through, when my dreams crumble like hollow earth, and nothing goes right...Honor, trust, kindness, love, truth....That is what I live for. I live because I know that there ARE noble things. My heart has ideals. They keep me going. They are pure and untainted by me, they are higher than anything I could dream up.
So, yes, I must be believing in a greater source who is helping me along. Because believe I do. Thank you.
-WonderDuck
That is THE question to me. Why? Because whenever life falls through, when my dreams crumble like hollow earth, and nothing goes right...Honor, trust, kindness, love, truth....That is what I live for. I live because I know that there ARE noble things. My heart has ideals. They keep me going. They are pure and untainted by me, they are higher than anything I could dream up.
So, yes, I must be believing in a greater source who is helping me along. Because believe I do. Thank you.
