To Articulate Life: Blunt Belligerence or Subtle Guerilla Warfare

When I was 10 I had dreams of being a glamorous author who lived in a renovated house that had once been abandoned to time. It was going to be littered with the paraphernalia of my creative and brilliant life. Scarves from India were going to be draped on all of my furniture and my teapot would always be full of aromatic teas from far away places. I would spend my life talking with trees and stones. Wiggling out the stories that they had been witness to, while they smiled silent and amused at the bug who pestered them so pointedly from their observation of sun and moss.

Now that I'm 2o, that dream rolls over sleepily in the back of my mind with all the other lives I've lived through the filter of daydreams. My goal of glamorous author has been passed up for other things that had more endurance in the race, but the remains are still there. The fight to articulate my thoughts is still raging within me.

So I struggle with the world and try to assign words to all of these outlandish things that happen to solitary me. Sometimes I strive for a sentence like a farmer using a machete to get through blackberries. The rest of the time I tip-toe around it looking for cracks in the wall that I can squeeze though and grasp something tangible and worthwhile.

And so I struggle. My fist around a pencil instead of a gun. The War of the Words. I did just blatantly do that, yes. Yes, I did.

Also A Tale of Nothing

Have you ever felt a burgeoning drive to write, but it's stuck in your heart and won't come out?

Welcome to my entire life. Especially now. For some reason my heart and brain say, "Write! Write! Write!" And my hands say, " ... ... ... Squibble bibble head bobble!"

The Past vs. What I'm Doing Now

Soooo, I was rereading some old journal entries and reliving some of my teenage years.

Then: I wanted to fight everything loudly yet underground with the help of fellow rebels. Things largely consisting of government control and injustices to the impoverished.

Now: I want to fight illiteracy and hunger.

Then: I wanted to live romantically abroad and eat olives on Italian verandas with my partners in rebellious crime.

Now: I want to EAT REAL FOOD in the yard of a small house with a couple of acres of yard complete with garden and chickens.

Question: What happened? I don't feel like I've lost anything except for some weird urge to be difficult. I still want to fight for change, but by helping and teaching. I still want my romantic veranda, but home is where I want it. Is this aging? I'm only twenty for good grief and holy romans sake!

Perhaps, living in the STUDIO APARTMENT OF SUCK has just caused me to realize how much I love my life and family back at the living place.

It has also occurred to me that being politically active is HARD. It turns out that not very many people really give a damn. So, you can't just ride along with an incited crowd and pull a lever and all the abortion clinics morph into soup kitchens. Go figure!

My political activism has been rather melted down to keeping informed about the latest debacle to happen to the education programs and trying to protest the stupidity of the latest one.

Forgive my extreme lame and boringness. I'm having issues typing with my fourteen year old self making scowly faces at me from the back of my mind. She's all dressed in black and carrying around gothic romances. She frightens me a little, but I want to hug her. Weird....

Things Never Change (Unless They Get More Annoying)

I have been experiencing something quite profound and, as far as I can recall, not precedented in my life. I am finding the day to day experiences of my life so extremely irksome that I have become annoyed with existence. Not in a self destructive way, but in a poking a loose tooth kind of way. It's like a persistent pain in the mouth.

So far this semester has tried it's best to prevent me from getting to my classes. With doctor's appointments, snow, random mid-winter illnesses, and slightly flat tires...That is just annoying. And you know...I don't think the professors believe me. The one time that I'm not lying about absences too. I'm usually doing something much less productive when I skip things....Like eating pasta on my steps and reading.

Then of course there's the rest of the humdrum. No job, no money, too much weight, not enough exercise, and worst of all NO SUNSHINE IN COOKEVILLE. I swear, it's like there's a giant umbrella over this stupid town.

I keep trying to snap out of this routine of tedious tedious existence, but I snap right back like a rubber band. The tough kind that tends to be stinky.

On the bright side....It's one day closer to summer. Also, I have classes that I enjoy when I get to them, and these really adorable stuffed animals called "Beanie Boos".

Almost Home

Well, finals week will be coming to a close for me tomorrow after an 8 o'clock Spanish exam. And then it's rush time. Rush to get a last few Christmas gifts, mail Christmas cards to the friends I never see anymore, and then a rush to Tyler's house to play Lego Harry Potter (EXCELLENT!)

Of course, with this home traversing there is always the lack of internet going due to living in a cave that has dial-up. Every time I sign on I expect for a caveman to run over, bonk me on the head, and steal all my sabre-tooth kabobs. 

I hate cavemen.

So, Merry Christmas! And Happy New Year.

Sometimes my lonely one room apartment makes me sad. Especially after big happy Thanksgivings.

Candy Canes Equal...

Yup. Those are in fact Scott Pilgrim plushies. I did drive an hour and a half out of my way and battle my way through pre-Thanksgiving traffic for these.

Candy Cane Update

So, I've been worried sick that the store that carries the candy canes would run out before I get there tomorrow. So I called them to reserve them...and they were out. WHO RUNS OUT OF FREAKING CANDY CANES?! Right...Code word.

So I call around until I find somewhere else that sells candy canes and I get them to hold them for me. Take that, you poops. Take that.

Also, when you find out what I'm trying so hard to get you are going to laugh. At my boyfriend. Not me. I'm awesome and sweet. *thumbs up wink*

Sun and Futile Struggles (Not To Be Confused with Feudal Struggles)

My life seems to be a constant struggle to delude myself into thinking that everything is peachy. This has never worked, but looking at all the things pulling me down and dealing with them the best I can has.

I'm worried about money, how my classes are going, being alone so much, my family, and a million billion other things. Yet, I'm decently happy for the first time in awhile. It's not that I've been extremely unhappy all the time, but happiness has been fleeting like sun on a cloudy day. It's wonderful when it breaks through, but then it's gone again and you feel like crap.

Sometimes my inability to trust and my extreme paranoia screw me over. Those are things I've been fighting with for as long as I can remember.

I've faced up to the fact that no matter how much I worry over something, it's not going to change how it is, and sometimes the best thing to do is to put it in God's hands and work hard to change the things you can, and not futilely waste your energy on the others.

Candy Canes

So, my boyfriend Tyler wants something for Christmas. But I can't tell you what it is just in case he reads this (which he probably won't). So I shall refer to the present as candy canes.

My boyfriend Tyler mentioned he'd like to have some candy canes awhile back, and I stored this information in my mind for Christmas shopping.

They used to cost about $30, but they are VERY popular candy canes and are now in limited supply. So now, I am on an epic quest to find candy canes in a brick and mortar store before Christmas.

I know a store that had them this past weekend. I saw them there. For $30. So Wednesday, I'm going to brave pre-Thanksgiving crowds and leave Cookeville to go to Knoxville. Then I shall frantically grab the candy canes and bare my teeth at anyone who wanders anywhere near me. Then I will drive home and feel accomplished.

This will probably be followed by giving candy canes to Tyler for Thanksgiving because I'm so excited at managing to get them.

But it's worth it. I shall keep you updated. And eventually tell you what kind of candy canes they were.

Pointless Post Midnight Post

There are many things that frighten me about this apartment of mine.

I am not superstitious. Superstition deals with being irrational, and then you have to define rational. Which leads to...scientists. There is a time and a place for scientists, but scientists do not always have a time and place.

I was raised on stories of ghosts, spirits, and wonderful things. They were told to me in complete seriousness and in jest. Most importantly, they were told with great relish. So, I am a believer of things that cannot be measured by science, but dare to call me irrational and I'll dare to call you a bigot.

Because there are wonderful wonderful things that cannot be defined. The feeling of security when you walk through a sunny meadow where you have lived all your life. The feeling of unease that suddenly goes through you when you walk over a certain part.

But all that was beside the point. What I am most frightened of in this most small and innocent apartment is the peephole in the door. I would take a picture and put it here, but I am currently avoiding it. Hence this post.

One day when I look out, what if there is someone looking in? THE CREEPINESS BLOWS MY MIND!!

My Cogs Are Loose

(Well, the tea dilemma I had previously has been solved! Okay, it was never really an issue. The factor that solves this for me is a general lack of funds. Any extra funds I may be hiding in the bottom of my socks are engaged in buying Christmas presents. So if I DO get tea in the near future, it will be from Adagio because I have a $10 gift certificate for being a loyal customer. Take that Teavana with your fancy cups and tiny little tea tasting machines!)

It has come to my attention that I've gradually became insane. There are several kinds of insane, so let me detail what mine entails! Continuing narcissism of a blog is one of them (though, originally this blog was for being able to put my thoughts out in a form comprehensive to others, and it's doing it's job. So narcissistic or intellectual? Who knows. Hopefully a mixture of both, and not all of the former.)Next, I seem to have accidentally become a hermit. I've always been a bit of a homebody who valued privacy above all else, but I admit that perhaps I've taken it a bit too far. I just haven't found anyone who can appreciate silence. I would love to have someone who can just do their thing while I'm reading and drinking tea. Sometimes it's just nice to have a living breathing human who accepts who you are in the room with you. But I would like that without abrasive detailed conversations about who is sexing who*.

Which brings me to Tyler. I generally try to avoid talking about Tyler on here in respect for his privacy, but he won't mind if I talk a weeee bit about him. I love him. Tyler is the nicest person I have ever met. He always thinks the best of humanity. This is nice, because I tend to think the worst and make plans how to fix it. (Which oddly enough all include massive amounts of reading books that accentuate chivalry. Like Tamora Pierce series...What?! Everyone would benefit!)

A lot of my reclusive tendencies have to do with him not being up here with me this semester. He is my best friend. When we're together he can just sit there with his shoulder against mine, and not say anything. And I am so happy.

When I first started staying up here by myself it took me forever to get used to falling asleep without the sound of video games in the background. Once I thought it was a vague nuisance, and now I would very much like to have the sound of Dragon Age rumbling in the background and be able to look over and see him smiling at me.

A lot of our dates have been outdoors-y. Tyler isn't quite as outdoorsy as I am.For lack of a better descriptor...He's a gamer and spends his time reading and doing things not in the sunlight --He has lovely pale skin that looks wonderful with his dark drown hair--. He is also a bug magnet(It works well for me, none of the bugs bother me because they're busy eating him alive). I, like Clark Kent, am powered by sunlight. (See, I was raised in the creek. I can trip over a straight hallway, but my balance is superior on slippery creek rocks. Go figure. My mother has a strong Cherokee heritage-- I am jealous of her cheeks and ability to tan--and I've always attributed her tendency drag us around outside all over the woods when we were younger to this.*) But regardless of his aversion to being eaten alive and slipping on rocks, most of our dates the first year of our relationship were spent hiking or walking at the park. The level of awesome-sweetness that must have went into that is astounding.


I think the ability to just be with someone and know that they love you and you love them is underrated. I didn't fully appreciate it at one point, and not having Tyler around was like breaking off a piece of who I am.  I carry this niggling unsettled feeling around with me now, like there's cogs loose inside that rattle about when I think.  The only time it goes away is when I'm with him.

*So sorry about that segue, please do read it with non-shifty connotations.
*My father has a strong Irish heritage, hence my particularly pasty palor in perpetuity.

Potential Loyalty

I am having a deep and complicated debate within myself. What is more important? Being loyal to someone or leaving them for the potential to be happier? If someone has taken care of your needs for years, and when they screw up they fix it asap is that enough? Or do I betray Adagio Teas for Teavana and their White Youthberry tea? It's so hard!

I bought this cup from Teavana:

It's really awesome, the inside of the cup is a blend of earthy browns and blues.....And Teavana has a STORE that you can WALK IN 40 minutes away from my house. xD

Boo To You, Fashion.

Well, I finished reading Pegasus  ages ago, but I'm still contemplating what I'm going to say about it, so the review is still non-existent.

And the rest of my life is spent sitting around, studying for exams, and eating. Also, my hair is turning a mousy brown color. It has been getting progressively darker each winter (the sun makes it lighter) and now I think it is about to give up being blond. What a terrible time to do so. I'm freaking 20! This is ridiculous.

I finally have a decent (if not large) wardrobe that complements my shape and coloring. My coloring is changing. Boo to you, fashion. Boo to you.

Blinds Are Your Friends

Last time on Solitary Life:  Pegasus was received, and occurrences of terrorism and naked-ness were mentioned!

---~---

Over the past year and a half I have had to learn what neighbors were. Close neighbors that when you look out your window you look into their apartments. 

My apartment complex is built with four buildings in a square. Each building has three floors and two studio apartments per floor (Tall and skinny, hence Tower Apartments). And I would say there's probably...ten feet between my window and my neighbors. So unfortunately, if my living room--slash bedroom slash dining room--window is open and so is theirs, then we get to see what each other is doing. This generally results in my blinds being down 90% of the time.

That percentage used to be much lower until...THE NAKED EXERCISE BALL MAN! Imagine my surprise last winter when I walk to my window, open the blinds, and then am confronted with a rather hairy buttocks bent over an exercise ball. Who the hell leaves their blinds open when they are unclothed?! Who uses exercise balls naked?!

My reaction to this was to double take, look apalled, look even more apalled, and then to throw myself away from my window and make Tyler close it for me. He insists that he saw no exercise man, but I'm assuming this is because naked dude moved out of sight. Why do I assume this? Guess.

You got it. He has made multiple appearances. And though I had hoped of his moving far far away to a nudist gym, he is still here. I saw him a few weeks ago. If I'm not mistaken he was holding a bag of popcorn. I wish I was making this up, but unfortunately....

All of this being blinded by lifting the blinds has resulted planning different ways to keep Naked Dude from opening his blinds. The best one I've come up with is to get a glass stink pellet (Can you still get those at dollar stores?) and use a blow gun (Hey, I was 15. They were cool then.) to shoot the pellet at his window. It will be so stinky he will have to close his window and hopefully his blinds. I am giving him one last chance to get some gym shorts. Then it's stinky time for his window.
 
On a less creepy note: I've become to be more accepting of the craziness that comes from having too much time to talk to yourself. I've made scarves, read a lot, and sometimes I even watch TV.

Pegasus by Robin McKinley or (SQUEEEEEE!)

I just now got my Robin McKinley book I pre-ordered MONTHS ago. I am freakishly excited and there will be a review here Monday if I am not mistaken. I keep meaning to blog about these stupid things that keep happening to me (Things that include a naked man on an exercise ball, and a brown jumping terrorist.), but I keep getting distracted. I'll get on that after the weekend. Until then I shall be looking like this:

This Made My Day

As I'm sitting at a gas station with my door slightly cracked talking to Tyler on the phone, two guys get into the pick up truck beside me.


Me: Blah blah blah, Tyler. Ha ha ha!

Guy 1: Hey look at that girl.

Guy 2: Yeah.

Guy 1: She's pretty as hell!

Guy 2: And not married...She's probably like 17, though.

As I leave the car: I'm 20, and I have a boyfriend.

Guy 1&2: .... ... ...

Me on the inside: HAHAHAHA!


Today I made two rednecks blush. I totally win.

College Cuisine: Bacon Grease is King (or) How To Use One Pan

First, fry some bacon in a medium sized pan. Once fried, fork out bacon, but leave grease behind

Next, put a large helping of kale in pan. Salt lightly. Watch the kale until it is wilted. Dip it out onto a plate, removing all bits from the pan.

Lastly, crack several eggs and scramble them in the same pan.

Oh my gosh, it is SO tasty.

Clubhouse Makes The Heart Grow Fonder!

I have my own apartment. It is an apartment made for collegiate children recently divested of their homes. So, it has one large living/bed room, one bathroom, and a kind of hallway that is also a kitchen. The dreaded studio apartment. What's worse, my carpet looks like this*:

Is it grey? Is it blue? I don't know! But there is a far more straight forward question I can answer. Is that a yellow Curious George alarm clock in my nightstand? Yes. Yes, it is.

So, I have striven in vain to make it a stylish apartment. I have fruitlessly tried to make it look color coordinated! It's mostly a mash up of furniture and decor. I've found on sale with a bookshelf and my junk. This might make some bitter. The sad lack of funds to really live up your small apartment...

But (aha!) not I! It's a third story apartment referred to as King's Towers. This fact inspired me to view my living space not as an apartment...but as a club house! And it may make a rather uninspired first one, it is a freaking awesome latter! Heck yes! The little rascals got nothin' on me.

*Those are my pants in my floor that I, pathetically, am too lazy to get out of my chair and move. Not denim fungus in its progressive stage.

So, Robin McKinley...

So, readers, you probably know that I have an extreme love affair with Robin McKinley's books. All of which are amazing and feuding with each other as to which is my favorite. I mean, they're mostly* heroine centered books with fantasy elements and a fluency in writing that very few writers can achieve.

My love of her books has led to a love of her, and a habitual reading of her blog and tweets. Yes. You read that right. Robin McKinley has a Twitter account. Twitter excerpt and direct R. McKinley quote:

"4tunately hellhounds r CUTE. Like apples off yr tree & sweetcorn out of yr garden r transcendently delicious. But OK, I want perfection. So?"

Forgive me, but she is SO old lady it is adorable and hilarious.

And uh, she apparently has a large amount of converse shoes if you pay attention to her blog pictures .

This lady is constantly walking her "Hellhounds" and wears Converse?! How do you do that? REALLY?! I stopped wearing Converse when I had to start trekking a mile to class (When I deign to brighten the classes with my shining presence). Walking in shoes sans arch and squishy soles HURTS. Especially when you're flat footed like I am. Though, I pretend like it gives me super swimming abilities because I'm "flat footed as a duck".


Erm, I'm going to bed now after a completely random excursion onto the blog in the middle of my sleeping. If this doesn't make sense, well then, it goes well with all the other posts.

*Though, God Forbid, that I'm labeling her. Because I'm not. She seems to exude great hatred for those who do so. (But I kinda am.... Ah well.)